02/18

Caiden and his independence

Hi Darlings!

Caiden, or “Hot Sauce” as we like to call him, is our seven year old son. He recently had a chocolate bar fundraiser for baseball. I’m sure that many of you are familiar with fundraisers. I know everyone just loves them, right? Yeah, I know not really… So, Caiden had two boxes of chocolate bars, 60 bars in each box. My dad happened to be visiting at the time Caiden got his boxes of chocolate; my dad being the amazing man and papa that he is, bought an entire box. What? Yes, the whole box. He can’t even eat the chocolate, because he is on a healthy lifestyle kick. That is one dedicated papa!

Caiden was left to sell 60 bars of chocolate on his own. [Read more...]

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01/30

Mirrors

When I was a little girl I was good at being alone and enjoying the company of myself. It felt at times like it was all I knew. I would think up stories and take myself on magical journeys. I would make up songs and sing at the top of my lungs. I would make up speeches for awards I was going to receive, for all of my accomplishments. I would imagine I finally came first in someone’s life. I would pretend I wasn’t always coming in second and that someone was finally proud of me and believed in me. I would read the book, “The Ugly Duckling” and I would imagine I was the one that turned into the beautiful swan. When I created a “happy place” it was always over the top, I wanted to show everyone that ever hurt me or turned their back on me that I am incredible. I wanted to prove them wrong; I’ve always had an “I will show you” type of mentality. [Read more...]

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01/28

You’re Invited To My Pity Party!

Sometimes I feel like the one and only thing that would make me truly happy, is to give up. I just want to throw in the towel and run away from everyone and everything. I want to disappear to a place where no one knows me, no one will ever know me, a place where I can quit trying so hard. I think, if I could only go hide out in a black hole and save everyone from having to be around me, if only. The problem is that I still have to be with me, I can never escape me. I can never hide from me…I can run, but I cannot hide - I will always catch up with myself. My shadow will always follow me, always find me, and it will never let go of me. [Read more...]

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01/23

Waves

There are so many quotes about the ocean, waves, and tides - endless metaphors that connect with the rhythm of water. “Feelings are much like waves, we can’t stop them from coming but we can choose which ones to surf.” I recently went to Hawaii and experienced this metaphor, in physical form.

I swam out into the ocean, it was perfect, the water so blue, icy blue, it was warm and soothing as it consumed my entire body. The sun kissing my shoulders and back of my neck. I was at peace, I sat there and giggled out loud to myself, because I was just happy in the simplest form. I never wanted that moment I end, but just as good things in life eventually come to an end, so did my moment in the ocean. [Read more...]

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01/14

Fighting Your Demons

Many of us struggle with addictions, diseases, bad habits - whatever it is and however you want to label it, we all have our own vices and demons. I myself struggle with eating disorders, severe body dysmorphia, and low self esteem. I have other struggles such as anxiety, panic, and depression and though there are things we choose to do that can elevate or trigger our anxiety, depression, panic, etc. this is not what I’m currently referring to. What I am talking about is the things we do to ourselves, the things we actively participate and commit to, in order to further hurt and punish ourselves. It is a way to recreate the abuse we may have experienced in the past. We find comfort in the pain, it is what we know, what we are familiar with, and somehow feels safe. [Read more...]

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